i spent the day with my grandmother yesterday. she was discharged from the hospital to a near by retirement facility where she will stay indefinitely and still requires full time care. it all feels heavy. that is all i can say with out starting to cry again and the swelling in my eyes just went down from yesterdays crying.
so after being gone all day, i come home to ben who runs into the garage and is clearly upset about something. he had his saddest face on and started crying and telling me that his number 4 balloon was lost up in the sky. (oh yes, his birthday was last week – happy birthday ben!) he took it outside and i’m sure just let go and there it went. so he cried and i held him. and i cried and he held me. and he probably thought i was crying about the balloon.
a few minutes later at dinner, as he was still trying to deal with his loss, he said, “mom, does God hear me when i scream?” to which i replied, “of course. God always hears us.” then ben said everything i was feeling, “because i was screaming and screaming for my balloon to come back and it didn’t. i didn’t want it to go away. i wanted to keep it here. i wanted it to be mine forever.”
i know ben. i feel the same way.