Push and pull

Ben and I are having a tough season. He seems to be in the middle of some developmental changes that are…making us both crazy. He cries a lot. For what I feel are irrational reasons. But you can’t tell another person what is worth crying about and what his not. And certainly not a three year old.

And if I were him, I’m pretty sure I would feel like I am a nuisance in my mom’s life based on the way I talk to him. It’s one correction after another. I say them all nicely…most of the time. But if all you heard all day long was constructive criticism I can imagine it would feel like you couldn’t do anything right. Ben, please don’t kick the counter. Please don’t bang on your plate. Please stay in your seat until you are done with lunch. Please don’t yell at your brother. Please move the chair OFF MY FOOT I NEED SOME SPACEEEEEEEE.” He does lots of things right for a three year old. But living with a three year old 14 hours a day is sometimes draining. I said it. I know I am horrible. I want to enjoy him more. Laugh with him more. Listen to him more. But with all the meal preparing, kitchen cleaning, laundry doing, errand planning, and general house work and sanity chasing…I….just….don’t. I don’t make it a priority. I am just rushing from meal to meal, from diaper to diaper, looking forward to bedtime. Horrible.

And I’m sad because I feel like I’d made major strides in the whole anger management department after last spring. And all the sudden….the devil is back.

I want him to feel like he is the light of my life. And it hasn’t felt that way today. Or yesterday.

And he feels it. He fights me all day long. Pushes me away as far as he can. But by night time, he is a tired sweaty mess and literally lays his whole body on mine, pulls me closer and melts into sleep. He wakes in the night, almost every night, crying for me. He asks me to lay with him. And climbs into my bed first thing every morning and snuggles in real close. As if he is hoping that is how we can stay all day.

Sweet Lord Jesus, please be with us today. I can’t do this alone.

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