i have spent the last few weeks planning to celebrate lyle’s first birthday. it’s just around the corner and i can’t believe it. i’ve gotten so wrapped up in the making, baking, decorating…that i almost forgot…what a miracle he is. i told very few people of the first few weeks of my pregnancy. i suffered (that’s really the best word i can think of to describe the spring and summer of 2008) two miscarriages after giving birth to ben. the first came and went with little emotion. it’s as if i almost expected it to happen at some point in my life. but the second…shook me. deeply. i cried. i questioned. and i cried some more. i held ben . so tightly. and thanked God for him.
and that fall, when i got pregnant, i was full of fear. fear that if i miscarried again, it was signaling that somthing was really wrong. that there was some sort of infertility. something i couldn’t control. i don’t think i ever got a positive home pregnancy test. or maybe it was just very faint. but being weeks and weeks late, i went in for blood work and the dr. said i was pregnant. i was so excited. and so nervous. almost expecting something to be wrong. i went back a week later for my first official prenatal visit. the dr. did an ultra sound, which i was not expecting. i was there alone. and the pit in my stomach was bigger than texas. i knew all the signs of a miscarriage. and the sweet ultra sound technician tried to avoid the buzz words i feared. she sent me in to see my dr….who said i wasn’t measuring as far along as i should be, and unfortunately she would have to label this a threatened miscarriage and not a pregnancy. she sent me home with a copy of the paper work to stare at. i was measuring 5 weeks instead of 6 and there was no heartbeat. i cried so hard that night with greg i could hardly open my eyes the next day. i prayed. and surrendered. and begged God to let my baby live. a week later, on my way to the dr., i prayed with my sweet friend karin. and asked Jesus for a miracle. an hour later, the ultra sound technician was telling me the baby was measuring 7 weeks and had a heartbeat of 140 bpm. my sweet baby had grown two weeks in 7 days. i don’t know what to say other than i wanted to know him. i wanted so desperately to hold him. to love him as he grew. and i am so thankful for him. for our sweet lyle. who has been pure joy. pure joy. and that i have gotten to hold a miracle everyday this year. thank you Jesus.
and as i write this i pray for max and sara, who only got to hold their baby for a moment. sweet Jesus, be with them.