miracle

i have spent the last few weeks planning to celebrate lyle’s first birthday. it’s just around the corner and i can’t believe it. i’ve gotten so wrapped up in the making, baking, decorating…that i almost forgot…what a miracle he is. i told very few people of the first few weeks of my pregnancy. i suffered (that’s really the best word i can think of to describe the spring and summer of 2008) two miscarriages after giving birth to ben. the first came and went with little emotion. it’s as if i almost expected it to happen at some point in my life. but the second…shook me. deeply. i cried. i questioned. and i cried some more. i held ben . so tightly. and thanked God for him.

and that fall, when i got pregnant, i was full of fear. fear that if i miscarried again, it was signaling that somthing was really wrong. that there was some sort of infertility. something i couldn’t control. i don’t think i ever got a positive home pregnancy test. or maybe it was just very faint. but being weeks and weeks late, i went in for blood work and the dr. said i was pregnant. i was so excited. and so nervous. almost expecting something to be wrong. i went back a week later for my first official prenatal visit. the dr. did an ultra sound, which i was not expecting. i was there alone. and the pit in my stomach was bigger than texas. i knew all the signs of a miscarriage. and the sweet ultra sound technician tried to avoid the buzz words i feared. she sent me in to see my dr….who said i wasn’t measuring as far along as i should be, and unfortunately she would have to label this a threatened miscarriage and not a pregnancy. she sent me home with a copy of the paper work to stare at. i was measuring 5 weeks instead of 6 and there was no heartbeat. i cried so hard that night with greg i could hardly open my eyes the next day. i prayed. and surrendered. and begged God to let my baby live. a week later, on my way to the dr., i prayed with my sweet friend karin. and asked Jesus for a miracle. an hour later, the ultra sound technician was telling me the baby was measuring 7 weeks and had a heartbeat of 140 bpm. my sweet baby had grown two weeks in 7 days. i don’t know what to say other than i wanted to know him. i wanted so desperately to hold him. to love him as he grew. and i am so thankful for him. for our sweet lyle. who has been pure joy. pure joy. and that i have gotten to hold a miracle everyday this year. thank you Jesus.

and as i write this i pray for max and sara, who only got to hold their baby for a moment. sweet Jesus, be with them.

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One thought on “miracle

  1. wow, Linds. a miracle indeed. thank you for sharing about such an excruciating process. i’m so grateful you are able to hold him and enjoy the gift he is! I’m awaiting getting to hold two little miracles VERY soon! :) love you.

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