it has been a while since i have posted something that felt heavy. and clear.
but life has felt heavy recently. relationships, friends, insecurities….playing out in relationships.
i love beginnings and endings to seasons of life. first day of school. graduations. births. birthdays. mostly because i am beyond nostalgic and love to look back, reflect, look ahead, plan, etc. to “dream” as my sweet friend bronwen says.
and as this “school year” is coming to a close. there are a lot of things (for lack of a better word) coming together, coming to completion, becoming clear when looking back. and when i say becoming clear, i mean in the just opening your eyes for the first time in the morning….can’t quite see anything but you are not asleep anymore and it is not dark…it is light but you have no idea what is there…kind of clear. i am slowly seeing what God has been doing, trying to reveal to me about myself, my kids, my marriage, through the growth groups (again for lack of a better word)…or i could just say “my people…you know you you are!” i have been involved in this year. how who i am and who i want to be in Christ are still two very different people. but occasionally they resemble each other…by His grace. how he is constantly giving me a picture of a graceful, patient wife and mother every time i act in a way that not only breaks my heart, but ben’s as well. as if to say…don’t lose focus, you know what we are working towards. and that picture is often of sweet Gaye, in her kitchen, cooking, with her bible on the counter ready for anything. any question. any fear. any pain. and anger. any need.
i am seeing how fragile hearts are. how redeeming God’s love is. and how much it encourages me to talk about it. i am seeing the ickyness of vulnerability. and how it changes relationships.
i am seeing Jesus. loving me…i am loved. I AM LOVED!
the reference to men as trees walking is from Mark 8: 22 – 26