I struggle with anxiety. I live with anxiety. I wake up with anxiety. And sometimes I go to sleep with anxiety. It is with me through out the day. Sometimes very quiet. Sometimes screaming “you can’t do that!” so loud my heart beats to the voice.
I know that stress causes anxiety for me. And that my old job was very stressful. And when I left that job, and then stopped working last year, I thought that stress was gone forever if I wanted it to be. I could control it. But I am learning that this anxiety creating stress can manifest it self in this life I have longed for. This life of raising kids and running errands. Of play dates and afternoon naps. This life that seems so blissful and not stressful. If I let it.
I am feeling overwhelmed right now. Overwhelmed with Ben’s recent potty issues at school. With little Lyle’s desire to snuggle with me all night long. With my desire to be a loving wife, patient mom, selfless niece, and intentional daughter…while worshiping God, nurturing friendships, working out and making lunches (that’s just the reality folks!) There is rarely “dinner on the table” at night. It is usually just dinner on Ben’s high chair tray and me eating misc. left overs standing at the kitchen counter, running back and forth between Ben and Lyle. (it should be noted that when Ben eats at his table instead of his highchair I tell him 1,000 times to sit down and not stand up when he is eating. And I am usually standing up eating when I tell him this. Awesome. He has not boldly called me out on my hypocrisy. But I’m sure it’s only a matter of time. And yes, I had to spell check that word 10 times to get it right.). And those expectations I put on myself cause stress. The “how I should be doing it” is with me too often, as a source of discouragement.
I have had a few minor anxiety attacks the last month. While in a crowded place. Driving on the freeway. In a group meeting. Places that use to haunt me, but that I have been generally comfortable in in the last two years. And after thinking about it, I see this stress I have allowed to creep in to my life.
I need to be reminded. Reminded of God. Of love. And that perfect love drives out fear. Greg has been a manifestation of perfect love for me. And he has literally helped drive out that fear. But God. God is love. And there is no fear in love. 1 John 4:18.